


Get You Through The Night

by SleeplessNightWithPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cute Animals, Death, Golden Compass Inspired, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Phandom Reverse Bang 2018, the most important of tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 16:20:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14697849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessNightWithPhan/pseuds/SleeplessNightWithPhan
Summary: Dan had seen what it had done to his aunt, had heard about the damage it did, but he never thought he would be one of the people who had to go through it. Until he did.In a world where part of your soul personifies as an animal companion, Dan finds himself falling into a deep dark hole after his companion Orion gets stolen and killed. Therapy group isn’t helping, his mother betrayed him, and he just wants to be left alone.





	Get You Through The Night

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter of the fic I wrote for the @phandomreversebang. It’s inspired by the lovely art from @hunnyhowlter that you can find [here](http://hunnyhowlter.tumblr.com/post/173875593709/phandom-reverse-bang-in-short-dan-looses-his) (please go check it out, it’s so beautiful I really lucked out with being able to write for this art <3)
> 
> A very big thank you to my betas @existingcourage and @ryn-exe! You’re such sweethearts and you’re amazing!
> 
> I’ll probably upload the next chapter in 2 weeks, but I’m a mess with schedules so we’ll see if I actually manage.
> 
> Please let me know what you think of it, and I hope you enjoy ^^ (am I extremely nervous for posting this? Maybe)

_He was sure he’d crossed the sign about 3 times already, and that he didn’t really know where he was anymore, but he couldn’t stop. Not before he found them._

_Any sane person would’ve gone back home by now, would’ve gone to seek shelter from the pouring rain and darkness, but Dan had to find the man in black. He had to catch the person who had ran into the vast forest with the bag containing the most precious thing Dan would ever possess._

_Dan couldn’t give up now._

_The rain was starting to pour down harder and harder by the minute, the wind was making the branches above his head fly around with dangerous speed, and tiredness was slowly seeping into his bones after spending hours roaming around, not really knowing where to go, but Dan was blind to it all._

_It was when he had paused for a mere few seconds to look around and decide on where to go next when the pain came._

_Not a physical pain, his body was alright. He didn’t have a broken leg, or a twisted ankle, or a bleeding hole in his arm. Nothing like that. Although Dan would’ve much preferred one of those._

_This pain was a pain that he could feel coursing through his body, spreading itself to reach every last bit of it. An overwhelming feeling of sadness, of feeling like everything was going to end and there was nothing he could do about it, like he was being forced to watch the world get destroyed and he could just stand by helplessly._

_Dan came to the most agonising realisation he could’ve come to, one that someone wouldn’t wish upon their worst enemy._

_Orion had died._

_Dan was blinded by the devastating knowledge that his little lynx, the one creature that had been right by his side from the day he was born, the personification of his very soul, who had been there for him in the darkest of times, would not be anymore. That there would be a permanent black gaping hole in his life that only he would be able to see, to feel, to truly understand._

_And then._

_Nothing._

_Just as fast as it came, the pain went away. And with it, took every ounce of happiness that Dan had ever known, every reason he could possibly have to smile, every reason to continue._

_All of a sudden, there was no point in leaving the forest, going back home, returning to where he came from._

_Because why would he? What did that world still have to offer to him?_

“Daniel, what about you? Anything happened to you this week that you want to talk about?”

Dan was pulled out of his spiral of thoughts and memories by the question. Focussing his eyes once more, he noticed that the 10 people in the circle with him were all looking at him, expecting an answer.

Oh yeah, he was in therapy group.

The only reason Dan came to these meetings is because they were mandatory for people who lost their animamicus. Government said it helped to “make the wounds heal faster” and “helped to prevent the victim from feeling too lonely”.

Which, to be honest, was utter crap.

No amount of talking to other people was going to help Dan in recovering from the loss of Orion. Nor were the inspirational speeches Jeremy - the leader of the therapy group - gave every week (somewhere along the line, Dan had stopped listening to them. They were always about the same topics, and Dan always found himself zoning out after a few minutes.)

The only thing Dan was thinking about during those long hours he considered a waste of time, is how after this he had an excuse to go home and lie in bed all day, hide himself away from the cruel world that took away the one friend he ever had in it.

Unfortunately, the few times Dan had just thought “fuck it” and skipped the meeting, it had led to Dan receiving a call from Jeremy with a speech on how important it was to come and how it helped and god knows what kind of nonsense that Dan refused to believe.

If talking about everything would be helping, he would’ve started feeling a little bit better by now, no?

But Dan went to the meetings anyway, the small optimistic part of him that had been slowly destroyed by everything life had thrown his way not giving up quite yet.

And if anything, at least this way he had something to tell his mum when she called every once in a blue moon to check on him.

“No, nothing in particular.” 

***

 It’s normal, people said, to fall into a depression when you lose your animamicus. The connection between a soul and their companion is so deep rooted and strong, the breaking of it was bound to leave behind a hole, an emptiness that couldn’t be filled back up.

As a child, Dan had seen it happen only once. His aunt, always happy and cheerful, had lost her parrot companion. Nobody had really wanted to tell Dan how it had happened, but he overheard his mum and dad one day, talking about how much money an animamicus was worth on the black market and how people could be so willing to pay for something that had caused other people so much pain. Dan might have been young, but even he could put two and two together.

He had also hear them speaking of how his aunt never went out anymore, how she refused any help, how she locked everybody out and how she looked like she wasn’t alive anymore. Dan had been able to see that for himself at the next family gathering, when his usually talkative and laughing aunt had shown up much later than usual, just sat in a corner staring at nothing, and left after only an hour.

It didn’t really come as a surprise to anyone when a month and a half later, Dan found himself getting ready for her funeral.

So when Dan had lost his own animamicus, after which he had spent the first few days sitting alone in his apartment feeling like the world had ended, he had gone to the only person he knew would know how to deal with this. Or at least, who would have the best chance of knowing what to do next.

Unfortunately, when he told his mum what had happened, she immediately informed the authorities about it, even though Dan had made it clear he didn’t want any help. He didn’t want to become someone to feel pity for, someone who was considered broken, which is what the system did.

She had looked at him with sad eyes and told him that “it was all for the best” and “I can’t see you go through the same my sister did” and “you’ll thank me for this” as Dan was taken to be brought to a mental institution for check-ups and treatment.

It had taken him 4 months to be allowed out again, and another 5 before he could actually speak to his mother without their conversations ending up in Dan shouting at her, eyes filled with tears and mouth spitting words he always regretted later on.

Even now, 3 years later, he still found it hard to talk to her and not think about the way she had betrayed him, but there wasn’t really any use to wasting his energy on getting mad with his mum. It wouldn’t change the fact that he was stuck with the stupid therapy group, and it wouldn’t bring Orion back.  

He just had to accept that and move on.

 ***

 The building where the therapy group was held was only one metro stop away from Dan’s apartment, so he usually didn’t bother with getting on it, walking the short way instead.

As he walked out the session, Dan felt sunbeams hitting his face, warming up his skin. It was a nice change to the grey cloudy weather London usually had to offer, but it also meant that there were many more people out on the streets, enjoying the nice weather while they could.

Dan started his walk home, but very soon found himself getting uncomfortable by all the other people around him. He never really liked crowds that much, getting a bit nervous in them, but ever since losing Orion Dan had noticed that this had intensified. He no longer had the comfort of his lynx next to him, had to take on everything alone, and this had led him to having some mild panic attacks before.

Today was no different; he felt his skin start to itch, his breathing to become more irregular, his mind starting to go into overdrive. Nothing too serious, but definitely something that Dan had to try and get under control as soon as possible if he wanted to avoid another breakdown.

Luckily enough, he knew from experience that the best way for him to calm down was to step out of the crown for a bit and sit down. Dan spotted a little bench a few meters further down the road, so he made his way over and sat down, closing his eyes and focussing on his breathing, ignoring everything happening around him.

_Breathe in, breathe out. In. And out. Slowly, like the waves of the sea hitting the sand on a calm day. In. And out._

Eventually, Dan could feel himself getting calm again, and it wasn’t too long before he felt like he could continue his journey. While standing up and checking his surroundings to see which way he had to go, Dan noticed that he had stopped right in front of their local library, one of the places he has been coming to more and more recently.

It wasn’t a very big library, nothing like the main one in the city centre. But that was one of the reasons why Dan liked this place so much. It was small, familiar, comforting.

Between the worn out furnitures in the seating area and shelves filled with hundreds of books, Dan had found one of the few places where he felt like he wasn’t being stared at, being judged or pitied by strangers for not having his alimalicum around. It was a place where he could just hide in a corner and forget about reality for a moment. Where he could get lost in pages that were filled with fictional worlds, where he could get to know new characters and see how they grew throughout their story.

This place had, in a way, become his safe haven.

Not quite feeling like going back to his dark, cramped apartment yet, Dan decided he could go and sit in the library for a few hours instead, so he stepped towards the glass door and walked inside.

The moment the door opened, the smell of paper and books hit Dan right in the face - but in a pleasant way. It was one of the very few occasions where Dan actually felt a tinge of happiness returning into his life.

It was just a shame it only lasted for a few seconds.

Making his way through the shelves to the seating area near the back of the library, Dan noticed there was nobody else in the building with him. Usually when he came here, there weren’t many people around, but it had never happened before that there was absolutely no one else there. Oh well, all the better for him, this meant that Dan would be able to sit in complete silence for a while.

He walked past the fantasy section to pick up his favourite book, The Chronicles Of Narnia. Dan had read it a thousand times already, but he couldn’t get enough of it. It was familiar, warm, reminded him of a time where everything was good and well. He sat down in one of the worn-out sofas and opened the book to the first page, ready to make the journey again.Wandering around in the world of Narnia once more, Dan lost all sense of time.

The only thing that could pull him from getting lost in the words on the pages on front of him, was the rumbling of his stomach.

_Oh yeah, food. That’s a thing humans still needed._

Dan pulled the phone from his pocket to look at the time, only to realise it was 4:10 already and he hadn’t eaten anything since 10 o'clock in the morning, and he’d been reading for 3 hours already. Maybe eating would be a good idea at this point.

As he got up and started making his way back out, Dan noticed once more that the entire building was empty. It was odd, he would’ve expected there to have been at least one other person in here, especially since the late afternoon were usually the library’s peak hours.

Only when he walked by the front desk did Dan see another person; the librarian sitting on the chair, looking at something on his computer, his snow weasel sitting on his shoulder. Dan had gotten to know the man - who he had found to be called Phil a few weeks ago - quite well since he started visiting the library more and more recently. The first time they met, Dan had actually almost stepped on animamicus Bundle.

(To be fair, Bundle - completely white - had been stretching out on a white floor and Dan hadn’t really been paying much attention to his feet. It had resulted in Bundle not trusting him for a while and Dan and Phil striking up a conversation that lasted two hours, during which they got shushed by visitors a few times. Phil was a nice guy.)

“Finally decided to come let me out of my misery then, I see?” Phil spoke, turning towards Dan and smiling widely. “I must say, Bundle was starting to get a bit bored in here - she wasn’t really interested in the cat videos I showed her.”

“Well, it’s not my fault you turn up to work unprepared”. This was nice, the light playful banter they always had going between them. It made Dan feel a bit more tethered to reality, not as stuck in his own head as he usual was.

“Hey, hey, it’s not like I could’ve known I would have to stay for an extra few hours, thank you very much” Phil still laughed, but Dan wasn’t quite following what Phil was saying.

“What do you mean, extra few hours? Did the person who had to take over not show up?”

Phil seemed to grow a bit embarrassed with this comment, the smile on his face slowly disappearing and being replaced by a timid blush, and he cast his glance down at the desk he was sitting at.

“Well, no they didn’t, because there was no next person. I only came by to do some extra work on our closing day, but when I saw you in the back looking so happy and into the book that I couldn’t make myself to kick you out. I’ve kinda just been sitting here, waiting for you to leave so I could, too.”

It was then that Dan started to understand why the whole library was so empty. Therapy group was on Sundays. It was Sunday.

The library was closed.

“I am so incredibly sorry, oh my god, I didn’t realise! I just saw that the lights were on and I was in need of some distraction, I really didn’t mean to make you do overtime!” Dan started rambling, feeling his cheeks heat up as they undoubtedly started to turn a scarlet red. It was a typical Dan thing to do: bringing trouble onto other people because of his own problems. But this was a new low, even for him.

Thankfully, Phil didn’t seem too mad, as he looked back up to Dan and he started laughing at the apology.

“Hey, it’s alright, you’re good. I should have locked the door behind me, so it’s my fault too. And I didn’t really have anything better to do at home anyway, it would’ve just been me and Bundle rewatching some Buffy episodes for the fiftieth time.” Phil smiled softly at the white creature who had moved to lie on the desk, next to the keyboard, before turning back to face Dan. “So please don’t feel too bad about it.”

This did relieve Dan of some of his worries, but he still felt like he owed Phil in a way.

“Well, I guess, if you say so, but are you sure there’s nothing I can do to make it up to you?”

For a brief moment, Phil looked conflicted, like he was debating whatever he was going to say next. But it disappeared so quickly that it could’ve just been Dan imagining it.

“Just stop feeling bad about it, that’s all you can do, and that’ll make me feel a lot better too.” Phil answered, flashing a beautiful smile. “Can’t really get mad at our most loyal customer, can I?”

The way Phil said it made it sound like he wouldn’t allow Dan to have the final word, but unlike usually when people did this to him, Dan didn’t feel like he was being shushed, or that the other person felt like they were right and Dan was wrong. With Phil, it just felt comforting, like he was trying to stop Dan’s brain from going into overdrive.

“I guess so, yeah. But at least allow me to go home and let you go off to enjoy your freedom again.” Dan tried to joke.

“I quite like being in here actually, but I’m guessing Bundle needs his fresh air again.” From the way Phil was laughing after his comment Dan could see that, for some reason, Phil actually wasn’t mad. For some reason. Even though Dan completely ruined his afternoon.

Jesus, the world did not deserve a guy this kind.

***

 When he finally got back to his apartment, Dan felt surprisingly not bad. He wouldn’t call it good, or happy, or anything like that, but just… less shitty than usual.

Sitting on his couch and finally watching that anime he had been looking forward to since waking up this morning, he couldn’t help but think of why this was the case. Therapy group usually left him feeling like he got attacked by a dementor, so this nicer feeling was a pleasant change.

Maybe his mum and everybody else had been right all along. Maybe it would eventually get better, would start to hurt less, and therapy group would actually start to help.

But then again, Dan had said almost nothing during today’s meeting, and had only listened to what was said when they announced that next session there would be snacks provided. He had spend most of his time there like he usually did; daydreaming.

Or maybe it had been his time at the library? The pleasantness and peacefulness of being surrounded by nothing but books always made Dan feel a little bit happier than usual. But not this much. Even The Chronicles Of Narnia had never managed to give him that.

Dan went over everything that happened that day at least 5 times, but he couldn’t figure out what event had causes this shift in his mood. Eventually, he just gave up and focused back on his anime.

And when a few hours later, when he had gone to bed, his tired brain supplied him with images of pretty blue eyes and an even prettier  smile, Dan was too tired to think about it, or to stop the smile appearing on his face right before he succumbed to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback, kudos or comments are greatly appreciated and basically make me happy all day long.
> 
> I've also got a Tumblr over [here](http://sleeplessnightwithphan.tumblr.com) :)  
> Thank you for stopping by ^^


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